I'm a big fat PHONEY!

Hello friends,

I didn't really know how difficult it was going to be to have a blog, be a mom to 3 little boys, serve on Sundays, be a wife (possibly a good one), work for money at my "real" job and try to start an inspirational empire that God so lovingly has asked me to do. I often do this. Add more things to do when I am currently juggling too much already. If I didn't do this then my life would be pretty boring so I say bring it on..lets see if I can do it. The thing is it's a passion, a fire that is burning deep inside my heart and it's hard for me to say no to people (seriously even strangers) and so I really really couldn't say NO to God. So when I feel the pushing, the beating of the drum that is HIM I decide to jump right in. Most of the time I don't hesitate...if it's part of your plan Heavenly Father than I will and I won't delay!
 And I tell myself  "God's got this anyways! who really cares if I stumble around and make mistakes along the way?" No one right? Oh yeah... I do. Part of this deep seeded type A personality that I was born with. The one that thinks they can do anything, at anytime, for anyone and do it so perfectly that people will say "WOW...is she for real?"  Yep that's right. I really do wish I was doing everything right all the time. I want to please everyone. And I want to please God. Which leads me to the ache I feel right now in my soul.

 I feel like most of the time I am a complete and total phoney. Whew. I feel better just saying it to you all. HERE I AM...A BIG PHONEY. Because here I am telling you all how amazing my life is and how blessed I am and how completely dream like everything is when in reality part of me wants to say "God I can't do it, I can't do regular life and try to be an artist inspiring others through your Word. I'm sorry but you picked the wrong girl. Bye" 
But clearly I don't feel like that is an option for me. So instead what I do is try to do it all. ALONE. by myself. Yep. See look at me, I can do this and I can do that and I can do it all with a smile on my face. Do you see it? This big grin that tells all of you in this world that I am doing AWESOME. But I forgot one key part. You all might see that. My husband might. My kids might. And God sees it too. But the difference between what you see and what God sees... is He also gets to see the me in bed at night. tears rolling down my face. He gets to see the girl who will cry in the shower so no one sees. HE sees the real me. The one that crumbles under the pressure. And for awhile I thought "You see this right? You see me and you see what I am doing. Why call me? Why?" And so it's a terrible spin cycle of 3 weeks of laundry that hasn't been done and emotions I refused to feel...day in..day out. Happy to the world. Slow unraveling inside. 

In the unraveling I started to feel separated from God. I stopped wanting to go to church. serve. help. i stopped wanting to be a called person. Probably because I started to believe that HE had made a wrong decision and I wanted HIM to fix it. The walls that were once so high and guarded had crashed down with glory the day that I found Salvation and yet today...I was building them back up to keep everyone out. including HIM. 

Don't worry it's not what you think..keep reading.

At church on Sunday our Pastor talked about trusting God. Can I actually trust that HE has a plan and if so can I trust that HIS is better than my plan? If God tells me to go into the promise land can I actually trust his word and enter it? Or will every worry and fear keep me out of it? That's exactly what was happening to me I wasn't trusting God. I wasn't sure HE really knew what was best for me. And every little struggle or time where I was stretched to the limit I wasn't trusting that HE would carry me through it. I was complaining about it but not asking him for help or believing that HE was strong enough to make a way. Instead I believed that my plan was a little safer. My plan was better thought out and more importantly I believed that I and I alone had to do it all. I never even bothered to pray for help because I was so sure that I would have disappointed Him and that He would realize that I wasn't who He thought I was. Even though HE knows everything in every corner of my heart and my life. I felt my heart shake, ground broke open and the bricks I had been so carefully placing back up around my life shook and crashed to the ground. He broke through and I got it. I got that when God calls you to something He isn't calling you to do it on your own. He's not expecting me to be able to carry the burdens of this life ...he willingly and lovingly WANTS to carry them for me. I had forgotten about HIS grace and HIS love for me. I had started to feel like a burden to HIM but God never saw me as this. He called me. But HE called me to this so that we could do this together. And I had lost the whole point of his calling by trying to make it my own. It's one of those moments in your life that either changes who you are or  enables you to still be a phoney. I don't want to be a phoney anymore. I want to go on this adventure with GOD as my Father the one who knows me...cares for me...loves me and has plans for me that I can't even imagine. So I trust you God. Take me where ever you want to, breath life into this work, bring forth the power that only you can provide and when I am weak. I'll call to you. Because I can't do it alone, and with you I never ever have too.
XO,
Cc

Ready for you 2014!

HEllo beautiful birdies,
Are you ready? Really really ready for what lays ahead? 
I am. and I can't wait.
2014 Promises to be an amazing year.
How do I know?
Because everyday I wake up it's better than the last day I had.
I know HE has more to offer and more to give. This past year was the kind of year that I never really thought my little life would have. But here I am living this dream inspired better than your average existence and I've decided to document this whole HEart thing here to remind myself that this really is my life right now. My arm is so from all the pinching of myself. Reminders of what God is doing in my life and what HE has not yet done but is surely planning something awesome, that I am sure of. Moving forward I am carefully setting each foot in front of the other, taking the time to look around and FEEL it. And doing it all with a huge grateful heart.  I am so grateful that I can feel it in my veins like an extra beat to my pulse. There HE is pulsing my life on.
Also...
My facebook status window just seem to be too small on some days. I have so much more to share. to inspire. to do. So follow me on this journey...the journey into 2014 where HEart puts it all out there for the world to see. Maybe you'll feel inspired to share with me your journey so as a community with hearts wide open we can share with each other, lift one another up, carry one another's dreams, and simply just LOVE one another.
2014...let's do this!
Xo,
Cc